John L.

July 20, 2010 @ (Orlando)

Tags: 8 year dream

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I was with a girl for 7.5 months. When we first met she told me that she was going to try and get back together with her ex.8 years earlier I had begged God to show me the girl I was to marry. I had seen this girl and her dad for 8 years in my dreams and had been looking every day. 2 days before my 23 b-day,I took her out to dinner and it was my first date.We ended up hanging out more and more. FOund out later she was with a guy I knew and was having sex. I am a true Christian and wanted to show her that sex wasn't how you loved someone it was just being with the that mattered most. Her ex had messed up her head. I got drunk for the first time forher and apparently I woke up next morning with no clothes on. I lost my virginity.To me it was the most sacred thing I wanted to give my wife to say this is all that I am and I am giving it to you. We ended up doing it a lot and I thought she would stay with me. She was talking with her ex the whole time and I hated that but was trying to show I cared. He came back 4 two weeks and she had sex with him. I had just given her a 200 dollar pair of earrings saying the night before don't forget about me. She came back and we were together for a few months then she started working at a place full of guys then the there was no contact with her. I was like what the crap. She didnt tell me anything. I had nightmares of me being in the room while she was having sex with a guy I had never seen. Later found out she was seeing a guy from work. And that she had finally broken up with her ex.
I said is there any way that we could start over since she now had a clear head. No. She never once loved me or had feelings for me. They were all transferred from her ex to me. Sorry.
In the end I gave my virginity so she wouldn't go to another guy who would use her for sex,gave her my heart, mind, body and soul. I waited 8 years for this girl and she took everything and said it meant nothing. Now I am afraid to even ask a girl out because I believed in her. One time after sex she was like what is your favorite part. aka on her body. I pointed to her heart. I never wanted sex. I kept telling her it was just holding her hand, being in her arms, and looking into her eyes that made me forget everything. Now I fear she is destroying her future. All I can do is pray

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John L.

August 09, 2012

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Found out she left her ex for this guy at work. It was so messed up. Then a friend said she accused me of being a stalker so I went to her house and confronted her saying what proof am I a stalker. Oh I was just saying it to her. She acted comatose the whole time. Then she kicked me out bec chris was coming over. I stood at the door and said you know the last time I stood her you wrapped your arms around me and begged me not to go and tears fell from my eyes because it was the first time in my life someone wanted me to stay. As I stepped out the door for the last time I looked at her and said no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how much you break me I will always love you and my heart will always belong to you. I still believe in you and I know with all my heart that you are better than this. I said that a lot. Now i'm not gonna lie I wanted to beat chris up but I had promised her I would never hurt her. I never yelled at her, hit her or cursed her out. To this day I still love her. I told her before I ever said I loved her that with me its not just something you say. I will only say it if I am willing to give my life for you.

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John L.

August 09, 2012

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2 weeks passed and she just stopped talking to me. I was honestly worried about her. Then I had more nightmares of her having sex. Finally after a couple more weeks I said I need to know what is going on. She sent me an email saying this. I never loved you, I never cared about you, you were nothing but a mistake, a stalker, I was only with you because you reminded me of my ex, I only stayed with you because I felt sorry for you, you used me, manipulated me, controlled me. I never want to see hear or speak to you ever again. She let those words soak in for 4 months and when I saw her in class for six months she wouldnt even acknowledge I existed. She said I am going back to my ex. Then a couple weeks later I was 120 miles away and I had a nightmare at 4:45 in the morning of her having sex with a man I described perfectly. I mean short black hair, thin to medium frame, 6 foot 2 or 3 whose first name was Chris. I had never even met the guy in my life. She got out of a party at 4 am. I sent her a text saying I hope your not doing what I think your doing.

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John L.

August 09, 2012

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She spent the night a couple more times and one night she was throwing up. I got up as usual and wrapped my arm around her saying its alright. Im right here and held her hair back. She looked at me and said you know you don't have to do this. I looked back at her and said, Its why i'm here. Then the last evening she came over and I got drunk and was saying crap that she was gonna leave. Now keep in mind she had never even mentioned it. I just felt it like many do and the distance. I had a nightmare that night that she was leaving. According to her I reached my arm out and said please don't go. Please don't go. I will do anything you ask but please don't go. I felt tears on my face and I heard her say she was so sorry. I said I must have done something wrong. She said no. Then there must be something wrong with me. She said no there is nothing wrong with you. She ended up having sex with me for the last time. I woke up the next morning thinking I just had a nightmare.I rolled over and ran my hand down the side of her face. I kissed her good morning as she smiled back. I got up for church and asked if she would like to go but she said she would pass. I got on my knees and grabbed her nose playfully and looked her in the eyes and said you are really perfect to me. I will take you out to lunch when I get back.she was gone and I never got to hold her ever again.

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John L.

August 09, 2012

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Need to clarify one thing I had 6 dreams over a period of 8 years. What I get for doing this at 2 am. I noticed she was becoming somewhat distant for some reason out of the blue and I couldn't figure out why.I asked her and she just said she was having a tough time at work. Yet when I picked her up to go to lunch I said um wow you look like you are trying to get someones attention.Words that would come back to be true. I woke up one morning before I had class at 6 am and drove to her apartment to leave some flowers for her since she said she was having a bad week at work.She then said you know what I need some space which I now know means ur done. I said thats fine and just kind of accepted it. I asked her to come to church at least and she finally said yes. When I picked her up I said u know I have been having nightmares about you having sex with someone and I don't know why. She said no and that she wasn't seeing someone again. After church I said I am sorry for accusing you of doing that to me again. I never should have bec I know you would never do it again. Oh no thats ok... thats ok.

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John L

August 08, 2012

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Ok few things that were important that I left out by accident.The night she cried in my arms and said she was a slut and whore for what she had done to her ex, she said she wanted to change. I said I will help you change and I am willing to give up everything to do that.While she cried in my arms I asked God to give her my wings. Not literal wings to have me fly but wings I had prayed for at 13 yrs of age to lift others up. I wanted her to see what I saw. A person who shined brighter than a star. The next thing was that when she slept with me I stayed up till 2 or 3 every night talking about her and her problems.She was stressed out all the time so I prayed with her that God would allow me to share her burdens with her so that she would not be alone like I was. One night I woke up to having her punch me in the face. She was thrashing around like crazy.Found out later she had night terrors. I wrapped my arms around her and whispered in her ear. It's alright. I'm right her and I promise I will never let anything hurt you. I don't know what you are that torments this girl but I want you to stop. I will not let you harm her anymore and God I will take her nightmares from her from this day forward.I want her to feel safe here. She stopped immediately and sighed. Told me at 8 months whenever she was with me she never had a nightmare.I had maybe two or three a year. Now I have them every night.

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John L.

August 05, 2012

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Then came five and a half months. I had a nightmare that she was going to see her ex. So the night before she was to see him I gave her a 200 pair of earrings, danced with her in my living room to the song So Close by Jon McLaughlin. Something she told me at the beginning of our affair is she loved blue roses and always wanted a bed covered with rose petals. I took a dozen white roses and put them in food coloring dying them blue. Finally I took half a dozen roses and put the petals all over the bed. She wanted to have sex but I said I just wanted to hold her and get lost in her eyes…She still went to see her ex and had sex with him. I was devastated. She came over and heard me collapse in the shower twice bec I had no strength. I asked god why he gave me the dreams and she apparently heard me because the door to my place was open. She wept with me and said she was sorry. Then she had sex with me. I was completely confused. I asked her is there any hope that I will be with you. I need to know the truth…Yes there is hope. Are you sure? Yes I’m sure.

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John L.

August 05, 2012

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Now I was not aware she was talking to her ex on a regular basis on skype until later. I began to say I love you when she went to leave and I would kiss her on the forehead and she would get on her toes to kiss me. We showered together, ate, practically lived together. She thought it was strange that every time I got in the shower I never did anything sexual. When she tried I just wrapped my arms around her and held her. I paid for everything. She tried but I said I am here to take care of you. Thus I began to call her my sleeping beauty. It was around this time that I told her, you know I don’t care if you came to me tomorrow and said you could never have sex again. As long as I am with you, nothing else matters.

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John L.

August 05, 2012

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Well we ended up talking more and she hung out with me all the time. After about two months she ended up spending the night on a regular basis or I would go to her place in the morning and just hold her and sleep in. One day she came over in tears and saying she felt like a slut and a whore for what she had done to her ex. She was crying in my arms and I took her chin and looked her in the eyes and said you are not a slut or a whore and what you do from this day forward determines who you are. Now this was just after she got off the phone with her so called ex. Telling him she cheated on him once already nothing about me. I should have dropped her then and there bec she then used me to have sex and feel better right after her chat with him. Then I ended up bombing my exam the next day.

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john L.

July 26, 2012

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I went to her place and I wanted to show her I wasn’t such a stick in the mud so I drank for the first time ever 3 glasses of Champaign and Absolute. I could hardly stand and I was burning up. She came around the corner in a tshirt and panties and kept saying I want to do something. I tried to leave the room and sleep on the sofa but she insisted I stay. I fell asleep beside her but I told her just before I care about you more than you will ever know. I wanted to say I loved her but I read that you don’t tell a girl that after she has just finished a long term relationship. I woke up with no clothes on the next morning in a daze and in shock. She was laughing. Being half drunk but still having my mind somewhat clear I took her hand and placed it on my heart. I said this belongs to you from this day forward. Not how I wanted my first time to go. Some would call it date rape. Then the very next night I had nightmares she was with another man and I even texted her about the nightmare. Oh no I would never do that to you. Found out later she was with a guy bet her ex and me. That was the last night she was with him.

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john L.

July 26, 2012

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We hung out more and more each day. Growing closer and closer. She asked if I was still a virgin to which I said yes. Time passed and I asked her if she would like to spend the night. During the day I wanted to do something really special for her. I drove 120 miles to get her bbq and I got a dozen roses and placed them in the ground going up to the pool area. She spent the night and I asked her if she had any clothes to wash. Well she handed me only one thing and normally that would drive any guy nuts but I just ignored it and ended up giving her a massage. She said it really turned her on but I would not go that far because I really cared about her and she mattered more. I slept on the sofa and she in my bed. I fought myself mentally for the next two weeks that if anything should happen should I give up one of my most valued parts of my life. I finally decided after two weeks that if the situation arose I might do it. I told myself because I trust her with my life.

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