Searching for "change"

191 Results For 'change'

Gu

October 22, 2014 @ (China)

Tags: Bad breakup, love is about letting go

I consider her the most important girl in my life. Let me tell you why.

Before I dated her, I had three previous relationships.

The first I consider a puppy love; the second I stole her virginity and cheated on her; the third I thought I love her much, but objectively speaking it was too sexual. In between I was also very flirtatious. I love to fool around and usually grow an immediate attraction to those girls who are willing to talk about sex, aka sluts. I was very into sex.

After I got hurt from my last breakup, I told myself I would never believe in love again. So I decided I could just turn back into the old me and flirt around. Eventually, I also slept with someone who wasn't my girlfriend. I also allowed myself to engage in cyber sex with a girl who had a bf back then.

None of this was known about me by the public. I hide it pretty well. I live with a double face life.

All of this ended after I fell in love with this special girl. It was a love at first sight. We had been close friends, maybe even best friends more like 7 to 9 months back then. I just suddenly realize how much care she actually giving me, and how I am actually really attracted to this kind of good girl. So I started showing her my love and fortunately she also loves me. Falling in love with your best friend is just beautiful. (this is coming from a guy)

She is just a pure girl. Someone with good moral values, who can really lead you to the right path. She is also very traditional. So we agree we would have no sex until we are fortunate enough to get married. And since then, for 20 months, we simply make out and have no sex. If you ask the old me, I guess I would have been shocked to know I can live without having sex with my gf. (I rmb I was literally angry when my second gf didn't agree to have sex with me back then; and then I also was very sexually involved with the next gf; and of course that time that I allowed myself to engage in casual sex)

But of course, its more than that. I just realize this kind of life, where I follow good value, be a good guy, no double life is what I truly want. In a sense I realize I had destroyed my integrity with what I did before. All this was only made possible because of her being with me, her loving me.

At the beginning, it turned out she actually knew some of my past. And she said if I am not the same anymore, she is willing to give me a chance. I felt really touched by that. I think that is what being loved feels like: knowing you are a sinner but somehow a great girl still willing to give you another chance to be a better man. I told myself I won't let this girl down ever again.

I hope it's obvious now how special she is to me. In a sense, she was there with me at the right time. Being here with me when I sinned, when learnt from my past and mature enough to know what is right for myself and what is not.

Unfortunately, we didn't last.

The problem was that she somehow dug my old stuff out. My old chat history with my previous girlfriends or sluts that I flirted with. And because of some reason, I also had to tell her about my causal relationship (terribly so, the girl is someone she knows)

It just all started to crumble for her.

As she read those words, she got more and more disappointed at me. She is very upset and hurt for what I did. This might have sth to do with her possible bipolar disorder and family issues that has made her highly insecure. And I am her first bf too. There is a lot going on her mind: insecurity, sharing her guy with many girls, not able to trust my words anymore and so on. So she kept asking for breakups. I tried to save our relationship millions of times already. But her hatred against me and her pain just grew. So finally I agree to try and separate from her...

It's so difficult for me. It's just the first day of not talking to her today. And obviously I am dying. But once I recall what I did, and think about her hurt she is because of me, I know I am making the right decision this time to give her the same she deems.

It's time for me to brave and take care of her. (She has always been the "strong" person in our relationship more often than me) She deserves to be happy. Maybe we can get back together if she can be mature enough to let go of my past. Or maybe can't. Either way I hope she can really be happy. Because I am indeed very happy with her.

She changed me for the better. I am forever indebted to her. I also wouldn't go back to those dark alleys like I once did.

I am changed, forever, because of her. And I am hoping to show her how special and how much I love her, by letting her go...

Lonelyperson

October 11, 2014 @ (Malaysia)

Tags: bad break up, sad break up

The second year of school i was scared... to be in a new class. The first year i never have friends i was always alone always getting bullied. the second year im scared it might be worst.. but.. i met a girl who was so kind and caring for me.. 2 months past we cared each other as friends. its time i told her i loved her.. and on the day she accepted it because she was in love with me also. we been through a lot together. we are always together to fix anything together. one day she started to change into a diffrent person. she dont care me like how she use to she dont love me like how she use to. but i told her i will always love her with all my heart and never leave her. she said she wont give up on us and will be forever with me. we promise each other. one day she said maybe we should break up..she said sorry i give up on us.. sorry i break our promise.. that day.. i never believed in forever anymore.. i cried everyday.. and she was so happy without me. she flirts with other boys. then.. we started talking again.. we got back together again.. after a week the last day of school i told her i will make her happy again. that night i said sweet things and told her how beautiful she was. we had a awesome night. then.. we went to bed. tomorrow her mum found out we where dating she couldnt accept it.. and my GF said sorry i have to leave.. but she said why when she was with her ex her mum accepted it... she said maybe because im not chinese.... and she said.. at least we are friends... everything went crashing down. she started being happy again with out me. i started being alone again.. no friends.. nothing.. and she saved me when i was in a dark room.. she light up my room but now she left.. its worst then before.. i tot we could be married... and.. Grow old together... i wanted to call her.. she said maybe tomorrow.. then tomorrow i ask can i call she pretend she didnt hear it.. and we stop talking.... i just needed.. the phone call.. to tell her how much i love her.. before she leave.. but.. i didnt get that call..

Enamiran

September 05, 2014 @ (algeria)

Tags: sad

i met him 4years ago ,i was playing second life n i wanted to hear music,i dnt really remmeber wat i typed in google searching for music but the download ended up with a window of strangers talking to me,it is imesh,many ppl from all around th word,i added many frens,from every country a fren,n i added him as well,i didnt imagine that i would b with him but we started talking and we really enjyed talking to eatchother,like to th point when i go back from uni th first thing i do is open my pc n chat with him,n i find him always waiting,2months mater we told each other we like eatchother n that time we just seen eatchother in pic ,he was far away from me,we both liked th idea of having a foreign love,we loved eatch other,my familly knew they convince me to step away,n i steped away alitle,i made my self bz,coz it sounded impossible to meet n have a futur toguether,at first i used to fight with him alot,it was fun no hurts,but just arguing with him was fun,he was so calm understanding kind innocent n sinceer(in my toughts) n after every fight he used to tell me how much he loves me n he cant live without me,he always appologyzed even sometimes for meaningless things,i guess i had a kid mind that time :/, anyway, 2years past n we still in love we use evry possible way to contact fb yahoo skype watssapp,later in a day i was too bz with studdy,to th point i guess my feeling were colden,i was talking to him in video n i told him"i think i dnt love u"!! (stupid me) he cried in that moment,i said im sorry,it's ok myb it's just im bz n my mind is not clair,we can try over toguether i can get back my feelings,6months later,a girl talked to him she said she liked him n he talked to her,she was from his country but not very pretty,he hided that on me for a month ,then he tod me i hide it bcoz i know u ll b mad!,i said ok no problem,i enter his fb ,but he changed his password (he gave it to me b4) i ask him when we skype he liyed on th date of changing th fb password to let me think it was b4 he met th other girl,i knew he was lying by th fb notice" u have changed ur fb passeword on...." i got angry n i cut th call i his face,after that he run to her love ,he shut me off for 3days,colden his feelings,n he talked to her instead,i got afraid to lose him n to lose my self in my exams period so i ask him to try again another chance,we back,but since then he act cold with me whenevr we fight,he understood that he could not lose me ( i my self dnt know if he will lose me one day ) n since then he is th 1 who colden his feelings in our breakups n im th one who get depressed n feel like "omg ,he forgot my love,im meaninglesto him"i dnt wat exactly to do to know my value to him,breakup doent give a clue anymore(knowning that th longest breakup we had was for a weak!!)

Not RealName

September 05, 2014 @ (Ohio)

Tags: stalking bad breakup

I dated a guy a year younger than me in high school. The relationship went really well for 5 months. We were in marching band together and were very different people. I was in color guard and he was a clarinet. I was really bubbly and extroverted while he was quiet and sweet. We meshed well with our differences. But he was always too reserved. He never told me what he was thinking, would be quiet often just following me, so I felt emotionally unfulfilled and lonely in the relationship. He also never made any of the first moves. We went to Disney World with our band and we were watching the fireworks over the Disney castle, Tinker Bell flying through the air, the perfect romantic setting. But he never kissed me...and that was one first move I could never make. I wanted to feel wanted.
So I began distancing myself from him. He noticed and started being clingier. He followed me everywhere in school. He would even stand behind me while I ate lunch with friends. It was creepy. Eventually I was on crutches and I felt like a wounded animal while he was stalking his prey. He chased me into the girl's bathroom on crutches with friends trying to protect me. He wasn't violent, just desperate. Then one day that changed.
He was waiting for me to come in and watched me go to my locker. I moved slowly in fear and tried to phone friends to come help me but none of them responded fast enough. So I limped to class and he bolted after me. He kept saying things like "Why won't you talk to me? Just listen to me." I didn't say anything. Then he got so mad he pushed me and I fell into a very rough brick wall. I got scratched by the bricks and it hurt. I screamed for him to go away and he ran off with everyone looking. I got him suspended. But he tried to stalk me for years after that. We never even kissed...
Anyways plot twist: We're getting married now.

Michael

July 03, 2014 @ (New York City)

Tags: #BadBreakup, #ToxicRelationship, #BipolarDisorder, #Crazypeople

I met my ex-girlfriend on an online dating website and things got serious pretty quickly. She had bipolar disorder but was not getting treated. She lived with her parents and had a rocky relationship with her domineering and controlling mother. I always got the impression that her parents viewed my ex-girlfriend as a disappointment in comparison to her two older sisters who were both married with their own families. It seemed like her parents were happy with just about anybody who take my ex-girlfriend off her hands.

Initially I got along with her parents. I attended family gatherings, holidays and even went on a vacation with them. Over time, however, things changed. It started during a dinner we had with her parents. Her mother had a habit of scolding my ex-girlfriend about seemingly petty things. Even though it was an awkward situation that was uncomfortable, her mother was very unapologetic and instead got upset at me for not talking.

After two years together, we started to run into some problems. My ex-girlfriend was pressuring me into getting engaged, mainly so she could get my health insurance and get treated for her bipolar disorder. She even talked about eloping first so she didnâ€™t have to wait to claim my insurance. I started to feel that the relationship was a little one-sided. We practically spent all of our free time together and I was bothered she never showed much interest in any of my hobbies and was always very vocal about how stupid they were. Another problem were her mood swings which often lead to arguments, which occasionally took place in public places.

After we broke up, I went out on my own while my ex-girlfriend immediately jumped into another relationship. Also during that time, her parents sort of relented and allowed her to get treated for her bipolar disorder. After a few months, we both realized that we still had feelings for each other and decided to get back together, promising that things would be different.

At first not everyone was excited that we were back together, mainly her parents. They were upset because they believed her new boyfriend wouldâ€™ve eventually married her and because they believed I had caused my ex-girlfriendâ€™s mood swings. My ex-girlfriendâ€™s mother was upset at me over an incident that happened a year ago that never occurred. Even though my ex-girlfriend believed her, I was suspicious of her mother.

Initially everything seemed to be going great. The relationship was a lot more balanced and because my ex-girlfriend was taking medication she wasnâ€™t getting those mood swings that plagued us last time. Around the holidays, things started to turn. I was driving my ex-girlfriend to the airport and my car got a flat tire. As I pulled into the gas station, she started screaming at me, like she did before she was taking her medication. It was so bad that the attendants felt sorry for me and gave me the replacement tire for free. Even though my ex-girlfriend wrote off the incident as holiday-related stress, it was the first indication that something wasnâ€™t right.

Over the next month, my ex-girlfriend continued to act erratically and decided to break up with me on Valentineâ€™s Day, only to change her mind the following day and the same pattern would occur every few weeks. Also during that time, my ex-girlfriend discovered that her mother had tricked her into not taking her bipolar medication and had told her doctor that she no longer needed them causing her doctor to believe she was misdiagnosed.

Eventually, my ex-girlfriendâ€™s mother began to act even more coldly towards me. During an argument over the phone, I overheard her mother screaming in background and demanded that she break up with me and get it over with. Every time I saw her mother, I tried to be friendly or polite to her but she either scowl at me or storm out of the room. She continued to badmouth me and even made bizarre accusations about me. She claimed that I wasnâ€™t serious about getting married and claimed that I was gay. She even told family members that she didnâ€™t think that I was a nice person.

By the spring, my ex-girlfriendâ€™s mood swings started to get worse. One night, my ex-girlfriend had too much to drink and she started grinding against me at a restaurant. After I quietly pushed her off of me and told her to stop, she started screaming at me and eventually pushed me out the door. When I returned, she continued to scream at me and had to be told to leave by the manager.

On the way home, I told her we were finished but she wanted to talk. She asked for another chance and promised to stop drinking. When I wouldnâ€™t reconsider, she got upset demanded that I get out of her car and kicked me in my ribs and threw a half empty wine bottle out the window. The following day, she changed her mind and tried to convince me to give her another chance. After she got her friends to contact me, I felt like I had no choice but to give in.

In the following weeks. My ex-girlfriendâ€™s mood swings got worse and she even got pushy and demanding. When I tried breaking up with her again, she again forced me to reconsider and sometimes held me hostage in her house until I reconsidered. Personally I felt trapped. When my ex-girlfriend and I got back together, this was not what I had envisioned. Now I felt depressed and noticed that I had gained weight.

I decided that I needed an outlet for my feelings and decided to sign up for an obstacle course race. My ex-girlfriend immediately thought it was a dumb idea and was upset that I ask her permission. She also hated that I joined a Sunday softball league with a friend, even though she worked on that day. She always expected me to stay home and meet with her after she got off of work.

The night before the race, my ex-girlfriend decided to rehash an old argument about how she felt that I wasnâ€™t committed to her and believed her mother was about me. The argument continued as I was driving her home and when I tried to break up with her again, she lost her temper and started hitting me over the head with a book as I was driving. Afterwards, I was forced to change my mind after she refused to leave my car. The following week, I finally broke up with my ex-girlfriend after I cancelled my plans with her and she furiously berated me on the phone. Unlike last summer, this was for good.

In the months that followed, my ex-girlfriend continued to try to contact me.
Sometimes she scolded me for breaking up with her and occasionally she begged for another chance. She even would scream at remaining mutual friends when they wouldnâ€™t tell her any information they had on me. I also learned that she was in a serious car accident that some of her friends believe might been a suicide attempt. Eventually, she stopped trying to contact me and I learned that she had started dating another guy and was once again taking bipolar medication.

As for me, I rediscovered how to have fun again. I made a lot of new friends on the softball team I joined that summer. It helped that we won the championship and I ended up making the game winning catch. I also lost 50 pounds and have since competed in 3 more obstacle course races. I even started dating again and am currently in the early stages of a new relationship. Itâ€™s been fun and I can't remember the last time I felt this happy or excited about my life.

Carmen

May 29, 2014 @ (United States)

Tags: break-up, annoying, bad person

We were juniors in college when we finally started dating. We'd been friends for a few months and had attended some social functions on campus together. Unfortunately for him, Tom had a terrible reputation on campus, not for being a player or anything, but for being a terrible person in general. My friends constantly reinforced this information before I agreed to date him exclusively. I questioned him about the various rumors regarding him and his only answers involved: "I don't remember," or "That's all in the past." I was extremely skeptical that anyone could change that fast (we'd only been in school for a couple of years!) but I wanted to see who he was for myself so I agreed to go out with him. The next six months were filled with depression and anger for me for a lot for a lot of reasons. For one thing, he would talk about problems we were having with a mutual female friend rather than talking to me about them. I didn't know I was in a threesome! He was a terrible communicator in general. When talking to his friends or an audience, he would be charming, but when talking to my friends or meeting my family, he was incredibly awkward. It wouldn't have bothered me as much if he were shy, but he was able to hold perfect conversations with complete strangers. On top of all this, I witnessed him lying to other people's faces, including his friends and family. Because of this, I knew for sure that he could not be trusted. Around the three-month mark, we exchanged "I love you's" and around that time, the little affection he was showing me was slowly wearing down. He never complimented me much anyway (except when we were making out), but those just stopped. Our time together was mainly spent making out once a week in his dorm even though I insisted that we should spend time talking and bonding in other ways. I guess he thought that because I was in love with him I was going to tolerate that. And I did for another two months before telling him that I'd been feeling neglected and that he wasn't keeping up his end of the compromise (He told me he'd be more open emotionally if I agreed to make out with him more). He told me it was hard and that that was the way he'd always been. No effort. No anything. He was the first person I'd done ANYTHING physical with and that was hard for me, but I was willing to try and compromise. He didn't try at all. During month six, I dumped him while we were on a walk. He was shocked. I did cry the weekend afterward, but I quickly realized how much happier I was without him in my life. I couldn't believe how being involved with him could make me feel so lonely and depressed. I've been single for a month now and while it sucks sometimes, I know I'm mentally in a better place now. I learned that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

Shavel

May 16, 2014 @ (Florida)

Tags: Heartbroken

I've been with this guy name Nicholas for 1 1/2 years. We met in middle school, I didn't really notice him or liked him. It all started our sophomore year of high school. I didn't even know he went to my school but anyways we end up having my favorite subject together. He was just a friend to me, nothing more, nothing less. One day my teacher sat us together and we was watching a movie. I felt this weird feeling towards him that I never felt before. I wanted to hold his hand and touch him. To me he was unattractive. Maybe because I was trying to get back with my ex at the moment and still had feelings for. We both played basketball btw. One day after my basketball game my ex told me he didn't wanna talk to me no more ect. So I decided to call Nicholas because I was lonely and wanted to talk to someone to not think about my ex. I called him and he was at a basketball game watching another school play. He went outside just to talk to me. I started flirting with him without knowing it.
The next morning I went to school and I couldn't believe wat I've did last night. I didn't like him nor wanna talk to him.
It felt so wired in that class and I usually spoke a lot in that class and now I started not to.
2 months passed by and he wanted to go out with me but I would always tell him I'm not ready to date or I'm still hung up on my ex but he still waited for me to be ready.
We talked for 2 months before making it official. He asked me out on January 8 .
I always been bad lucked with guys so this one I was scared to give my all. I wasn't really into it like he was but after a couple months I grew to love him. He was my everything, my best friend, just my world and I was his. Not a day goes by that I didn't get a good morning / goodnight text. He made everyday worth being happy for. He made me realize a lot in myself. We shared everything. I use to give him money and he did the same to me, we use to cook each other lunch, just simply take care of each other. Everyday was a happy day for me and him. But u might be wondering it seems like u guys love each other a lot , y would u guys break up? Well I have a lot of insecurity because of my past relationships, I never thought I was good enough or pretty enough to be his gf. He told me stop thinking like that Cus I'm the only women he sees and loves. I met his family. He showed me off to the world. Say I was his queen ect. He motivated me to do better in the sports I play. We filled out scholarships for each other. Motivated each other in everything we did. He have put up with a lot I've done. He was tierd of me putting ppl in our relationship, assuming he was doing things behind my back( cheating) which he never did nor talk to someone different but I was so insecure. He got fed up and left me and now I've realize what I've lost. I've lost my motivator, best friend, my happiness. I pray everyday we get back together. We've been broken up for a week now and it feels like a year. My room is full of things he bought me. Sometimes he only had enough money for a haircut but he gave me that money so I can eat and he don't get money often. I just wanna show him that my insecurities are gone and my assumption too. Just us breaking up made me realize how much I needed to change but I told him I would always change and I never did but the time I really changed he doesn't believed me because I've said it a bunch of times. I would like for u guys to pray for us to work things out because ever since I lost him, I've lost my happiness, my motivation, and most importantly the love of my life

Leesea W.

March 24, 2014 @ (Greensboro)

Tags: Tags: Sad break up, Miss him, Comment

I was with the guy of my dreams... So I thought. He was perfect in every way. Took me out on the best dates, and treated me well. I was planning to save myself, but I ended up giving everything up, gave the little innocence I had left to him. I thought since we connected right away that I would end up with him. I met him through the internet. The same day that we met online we met in person, I instantly felt a strong connection with him, he was charming had great eyes, smile, and laugh. He opened doors, just the perfect gentlemen. A week later, he then told me that he could not be with me, giving me a list of why not. I hated hearing it, he then dropped me off at home, when he dropped me off at home, all I could do was cry. Curious as to what had gone wrong. We ended up texting after he dropped me off, then ended up on a long phone call. The next day we hadn't texted all day. I then sent a message, opps wrong person, but it was to him, and I was meaning to send it to another person. We then ended up talking again, yes I was happy but again I felt so much anger towards him. I loved him, I fell in love with him. He had become my everything, and to this day still is. Anyways, we got back together, we talked it out, figured everything out, and I gave it to him. He almost even said that he loved me, while we were cuddled up, but he just stopped himself because he said if he said that I would hurt him, but why? I do not know. We were great, then classes started back up, and everything changed, we stopped seeing each other everyday, and the good turned into the bad again. I missed him, I wanted to see him after my late classes, but he had other plans, and wanted to do other things. I guess, he wanted his single life back, and the more he tried to cling on to what we had the further he was pushed off. I miss him, and I wish I could just get over him, and move on with my life.

Chris

February 20, 2014 @ (england)

Tags: bad breakup, sad, confusing, emotional,

My relationship lasted just shy of 3 years, what would have been our 3 year anniversary was feb 4th, when we first got together I told her I was joining the army, she knew this was coming we were together for 5 months before I left for basic training, but we called every night and everytime we got together was amazing, I then got posted to a working unit at around our 2 year point, she was happier because I was home near every weekend then she decided she wanted more out of life and wanted to go to uni, which I fully supported, she was there for her first term of 3 months, so for 3 months It was never a good time to see her, I was either duty on weekend or she had an assignment needed doing without distraction, so the time came, Christmas leave 2013 I was so excited, and there was no clues or indication the breakup was coming, we were both still messaging each other as much as usual, planning Christmas all of that, finally got off the bus and saw her, I was soo happy I couldn't stop kissing and hugging her, she was a little off with me all day, that night I said "we're ok aren't we?" Then it was silent and she sat up in the bed, my heart was pounding I was terrified that everything we had together was about to end, she said "I think we should break up" her reasoning was good enough, we both are going through different things in our lives and currently want different things, she's 20 and I'm 21 and we were planning our whole lives together, she said she can't be dealing with the stress of never knowing when the next time we'll see each other is going to beï»¿.
It's been 2 months and a bit since, Iv deleted her Facebook and all her friends and family, I've stopped talking to her and focused on my own life, but admittedly, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Iv contacted her every now and then a hurtled my feelings at her (but not recently), I'v had nightmares about her being happier with other men and Iv had suicidal thoughts, Iv wanted so desperately to find out every single thing I could about why we ended but it did me no favors, in the end everytime I talk to her I push her further away and for a while that was what made me want to end my life, I'm not having those thoughts anymore and I'm sticking to this no contact thing, but it is hard, I unblocked her just to see how she's doing and she seems really happy, she then quickly blocked me. She did say "maybe we'll pick it up again one day when our situations change, but right now I need time for my course and my life"
Im not over her but I'm not crying about her anymore at least, I'm defiantly progressing, although I'm worried because I don't want to be with any other girl and I'm craving that feeling againï»¿ but that comes and goes.
lately since cutting all contact ive been getting better, and now i see more clearly that this isnt the end of the world

Brandon

February 10, 2014 @ (Portland, OR)

Tags: worst breakup, jerk, idiot, heart breaker, regretful

So, I had been dating this girl for about six months with a two month break in between, let's call her "Jackie". It was when we got back together I realized that things weren't going to work. She said that we just need to communicate more, but it never happened, we always just sat in awkward silence until one of us had to leave.
Before we get to the actual break-up, I want to do a little back-story. So a few years back my friends introduced me to this girl, not the one I broke up with, let's call her "Amanda." Amanda was a nice girl from the very start, She invited me to all her parties, and helped me out with my homework and essays. She was funny, she would often make fun of my now best friend, "Franklin," which I found hilarious. She was also super smart, she had one of the highest GPAs in the school, and passed even the most advanced classes. And I swear she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and to this day I am deeply in love with her. Unfortunately, when I told her about my feelings, she dropped the F-Bomb on me. Yep, that was my first ever "friend-zone." I was crushed, I never felt so terrible in my life. But I stayed adamant, and year after year I would ask her, and year after year she denied me. I realize that she can make whatever choice she wants, but I couldn't help but to want to be with her. I guess she must have gotten tired of me asking, because after the fourth confession, she suggested I go out with Jackie, whom I had met a month earlier. I knew she had a thing for me, and Amanda said we would be cute together. I don't know why, but the words "cute together" hit me really hard. Just the thought of being with someone other than her felt wrong. Things did go wrong eventually, I guess that's what happens when you go out with someone because the love of your life asks you to. I probably should have seen that coming. After dancing with Jackie at one of the parties, I became infatuated with her. I asked her out on a date, and she of course said yes. Now I had never gone out on a date before so I didn't know exactly what to do. And no one told me that movie dates are the worst first date you could go on. We sat in the theater eating our popcorn, eyes glued to the screen, not even looking at each other; the first of many awkward experiences. The worst part was that Amanda offered to drive us around since neither I or Jackie bothered to learn how to. Amanda couldn't have been more happy to see me going out with another girl, which I understand is something friends do, but when that friend has recently broken your heart, it kinda stings a little.
Fast forward four months. Now at this point we've decided to break things off for a while. Jackie has started dating this guy, let's call him "Matt." I had no problem with Jackie dating Matt, in fact I was happy that she found someone she could actually talk to. Matt and I are also good friends so, I was happy for both of them. Now with no one to distract my feelings, I began to feel old emotions rising again, I would often hang out with Amanda like we used to, but not in a way that would give any hints, just talking, and study sessions. I should have realized then that this was what it was meant to be like. Being single wasn't a bad thing, in fact I love being single. It makes you appreciate all the free time you once had to hang out with friends and get work done. This didn't last very long, because Jackie and Matt eventually broke up. I never got the exact details of why or how, but I do know that Jackie broke up with Matt, because she realized that she still loved me even though she was the one who broke up with me for Matt in the first place. Matt explained to me that he cared for her, and he wanted to see her happy, and that I should take her back. And I, being the stupid confused kid at the time, said "of course." And so, we began dating each other once more. The rekindled infatuation didn't last long, and I realized about a month in that things weren't going to work. Now came the biggest problem, how to break it to her. Now, just because I wasn't in love with Jackie doesn't mean I didn't care about her. She was genuinely sweet and innocent, and I couldn't bare to see her sad or upset.
It was only a few weeks later that I built up the courage to tell her, mind you I gave no clue as to how I really felt, in fact I made it seem like everything was just dandy, which in hindsight wasn't the best idea. Of course, when I told her she was really confused. She asked me "Why? Why?" and I said "I'm sorry, I just don't think you're the one for me." At this point her sadness began to turn to anger. Something I had never seen in her before suddenly began to show. She said, "how dare you have the audacity to lead me on for so long. You know what? Fuck you." The words "fuck you" would have hurt less if she hadn't smiled and started walking away. But as I sat there, ashamed of what I had done, she did the worst thing she could have done to me. She turned back with tears running down her face and said, "I really did love you." And continued walking away. That must have been one of the worst days of my life. Eventually the sadness subsided, and she forgot all about me, which was probably for the best. Not once in our whole relationship did we ever say "I love you" to one another. But if I could go back and change what I did, I would have never gone out with her. I would have never gotten back together with her. I would have never led her on to believe that I loved her. And I would have never broken her heart.