So last year I went on a working holiday, met this amazing guy from France and we started dating after 3 weeks as friends but he left 2 weeks after but we remained together and we were an LDR couple, long distance relationship. He got a job in South East Asia and I went back to Norway, during a LDR it is normal to get emotional breakdowns but I had a bit too many and he felt like it was his fault when it wasn't really. So he broke up with me saying he hated the man he had become for making me emotional and couldn't help me, so I replied (this is my mail by the way): that it wasn't his fault, long distance makes it that way and in every relationship you have to work hard and that it's like any job or project you have in school you work for it. I'm not going to give up on someone I love, I stand and fight if only he would let me and not be so stubborn and give it a chance. It's not everyday you find someone that make you whole, so I told him that I was going to see him regardless of if he wants me to or not, at least I tried and won't regret anything because I know I have done my best. So far have not gotten any reply of if he wants to meet me or not but he has a month until I leave so I hope for the best but I can't hope too much because I will be very disappointed if he doesn't want to see me, but just a leap of faith. Think cupid struck me hard. Blinded by love and crazy brave
I didn't see the signs. We were together for over two years. The first year and a half was crazy, wonderful, love. Then he slowly began distancing him self. More and more. He never communicated what was on his mind, so I thought everything was OK. Little did I know he was slowly starting to resent me. I was in denial about the distance. I loved him so much and kept thinking things would get better, it was just a rough patch. Through out the relationship I always worked away on and off. I went working away again and he broke up with me after I had been away for three months. later that year I was supposed to move to another town not so far away to attend school for a year. Then come back and live in the town we live in. Because he needed so much space, I didnt think he would mind if I ran off to school for a year to take a course. I hoped maybe distance would some how save us. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder?) Man was I wrong. He had time to stew over things I had no idea he was upset. When I got back from work he told me all these things he had been stewing over, he was mad about this and that, and a few minor events from a year a ago? and that apparently I am a horrible person. I won't give full details but the things he said really hurt. He was not the man I knew. He changed and decided that he disliked me. With in the matter of two months he went from saying 'I support you in anything you do baby' to you are so irresponsible i don't understand why you have to go to school, you don;t need school ect. You have done all these things that pissed me off. I don't want you around.
Then fast forward to five months, he calls me out of the blue before Christmas time. He said he's sad too. It's good to hear my voice. WTF. He was all nice again. I dont understand. I'm still crushed. I still have some of my belongings at his house. I had packed up my apartment (no we didnt live together) with the intention of going to school. I was storing my things at his house before he broke up with me. I didn't end up going to school this year because I was crushed. He left me just before school started. I'm not blaming him, I also had a lot of stressful events happen in my life during the same time. My ex leaving me was the icing on the cake. I just dont understand I thought I was a really nice girlfriend. I tried my best.
I was in a relationship since September of 2009 and it just ended recently, not to long ago, in May 2012.
I was confused, lost, in denial, anger. And I still am, it's been really hard.
I really thought he was the one, well I still do.
Me and him did everything together, I saw him everyday until late night and he would spend the night on the weekends quite often.
We went out a lot to the movies, the beach, Disneyland, and new places every weekend. He took me out to dinner almost every weekend, he did anything to make me happy.
We always spoke about the future, college, getting married, having kids, growing old together.
I just don't know what went wrong. One day, he suddenly wanted to break up because he is 'not ready to commit' and wasn't aware of the seriousness of our relationship - after 2 years, he finally decides he was too young to be in such a serious relationship.
And the worst of all, he never ever said anything about being unhappy with me until the day he broke up with me. He was hiding all his feelings from me, while I was being honest with him all along.
I just don't understand. To me, our love felt real. Like really real. I honestly feel like he is the one, still today after 5 months of being broken up. I still love him, I will always love him. He never did anything bad to me. He treated me like a princess, he was my best friend. We had so many good laughs and memories together. We were practically married. We were so comfortable with each other. Every one of our friends thought we were going to actually get married and when they heard that we broke up - they thought that I was the one who did it, but incidentally it was the other way around.
Every one thought he would never leave me, that he was so in love with me. And I thought so too, and I felt secure with him because I thought he was one of those rare guys who actually stays committed in a relationship. But I guess I was wrong.
It's just so hard, I'm trying to let go. But I think about him everyday, he was the only happiness in my life. Now I'm trying to find my own happiness, and I have managed. But nothing makes me as happy as he did. I loved him more than anything, more than my family. I know it was wrong of me, but it was true. He was my first priority and I was his. I never treated him badly, I never cheated on him, or anything. I loved him with my whole heart and soul and this is what I get in return? A broken heart.
I just wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if he misses me.
Oh and we don't speak. Well atleast, he doesn't talk to me. From what I have heard is that he hates me because he realized that he missed out on life because of me ('life' referring to parties and drinking and what not). So he hates me because he didn't get to experience life the way he wanted to. Which is stupid because he knew what kind of relationship he was getting into since day 1. It took him two years to realize that he was missing out on life? We weren't missing out on life, I mean we didn't party like the way he does. Instead, we went on dates to new places every weekend. We had movie nights, dinner dates, etc etc. I mean we weren't a boring couple, we were always doing something. But I guess he just want to party and get smashed or something. Well that's what he's doing now from what I've been hearing.
I hope one day he realizes that he messed up, I hope one day he realiZes how wonderful our relationship was. I hope one day we can be friends again. I just miss him so much, and I know it's not good. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. And I know time heals all wounds, it has definitely been a bumpy ride in the last 5 months, some good and some bad times but I try to stay optimistic about the future.
FROM MY DIARY: MY BOYFRIEND, THE ADDICT
I need to laugh right now, even though I feel like crying. You see, the man I love is an addict. Piece by piece, heís breaking my heart. I think this might be over.
For the time being, though, I figure laughter is the best medicine. So Iím trying to focus on the crazy man outside with the abrasive voice, yelling on the phone in a language I canít understand. At the same time, Iím reading these break-up stories on an online support group for damaged relationships, wondering how on earth I got here.
Iím trying to remember the things I'm grateful for, which is hard to do in a time like this. My therapist tells me to do this when I feel down. It helps me shift into a more positive mindset. I need to look at the things I DO have in my life and stop focusing on what I've lost - because I canít stop thinking about Ryan* and about how much I miss the person he used to be.
I feel like I lost him even before the new girl "friend" came along. However, I know sheís only a piece of this crazy puzzle. The old Ryan would never have hurt me that way. He never wouldíve lied to me about seeing her. He never wouldíve blamed me for his own mistakes.
For the past couple months, Iíve had that gut instinct, telling me something wasnít right. I could already feel him starting to slip away, and I keep remembering the person who once loved and adored me, and who thought I was beautiful and amazing. I miss the way he used to hold me, kiss me, talk to me for hours. He said he wanted to be with me forever, and I wanted his face to be the first thing I saw each morning, every day for the rest of my life. I never told him that Ė but I felt it in my heart. He inspired me to be a better person. I miss that man.
When I met him over a year ago, heíd first gotten sober. Gradually, he changed into a brand new person. A light appeared in his eyes; he was truly happy. He went to AA, got a sponsor, and was taking steps toward a brighter future. What went wrong?
It hurts so badly to watch him change. I watch as he stumbles through the darkness of his addiction, sloppy step-by-step, and I canít do a thing. The pain cuts like a knife, but Iím trying not to feel it. Iím trying to be strong. I don't even know him anymore. He can't see the way he hurts me. While he's this way, he can't see anything else. Heís locked in the grip of denial Ė in a world that is cold and black. Until he wants help, he wonít get better, and right now he doesnít believe anything is wrong.
I can't go on this way with him. I love him more than words can say, but I have to love myself enough as well.
I have to realize that the person I'm leaving behind isnít the man I fell in love with. Instead, heís a stranger, and all I have are memories of someone I once loved with all my heart.
I watch him wrestle within his own skin, and wallowing in the pits of self-imposed misery. He can't even see what this does to me. He'll only get better when the pain of staying the same outweighs his fear of change.
Unless heís willing to be honest with himself, heíll never change, and things between us will continue to deteriorate.
As long as heís in this mode, heís capable of anything. He expects my trust without being trustworthy. He expects results and rewards without doing anything to earn them. It isnít realistic, but he canít see that now Ė not the way the old Ryan would. I guess itís impossible to see the entire picture while youíre standing in it.
A part of me still believes in him. He pushed through this before, and he became an amazing person because of it. It's hard to watch something so beautiful waste away before your eyes. Itís even harder to walk away.
Whatever happens, I do believe that everything happens for a reason - even if I can't see what that is right now. One day, maybe I'll understand. And one day - just maybe - the man I love will come back to me.
I guess i just don't know what to say. I wish we'd never broken up, but I know it's what he wanted to do for awhile now. I was a fool for having been in denial for such a long time, and for believing that he feels as much as I feel for him. It's already been a month ever since our break up, but I still feel as broken as if it was just yesterday. I can remember begging him to not break up with me, but only to have him get angry and push me away. It hurts to think back and face the truth that all the while he was with me, it was just pretense. He really can't even stand the sight of me. He stopped texting me altogether after we broke up. I feel sick and tired; sick of relationships and tired of meeting new people. I absolutely hate the fact that he's made me feel like everything was my fault. I hate that he puts me through so much misery while we were together. He isn't the guy I once knew him to be, so I guess i'll let time do it's job and bury all this.
It could have been a year. it was 5 days short of a year.
To start off, He was the best, i wouldn't even think twice about that. This was his first relationship so It took us awhile to get comfortable around each other, but after a couple months he was like my best friend. We did a lot together and i thought he was happy, he told me these were the best moments of him life and they were mine. The previous boyfriends i had were assholes. They didn't care about me at all, but He did, which set him aside from the rest and i thought he was different.
About 2 months ago, he started to go into these pensive states where he began to doubt his love for me, but he always talked to me about it and he always decided that his doubts were wrong. I didn't know what i had done to him to do this to me, but he'd never tell me.
Anyways, 2 weeks ago, He came back from vacation and he was sad and quiet. He said he wasnt sure if he could balance school work and me, but i reasoned with him because i love him and i wanted to be with him no matter what and i thought everything was fine. We kissed and he seemed normal, we hung out after school and He seemed just like he had before he left. However, the next 4 days he didnt talk to me, he treated me like a friend and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I felt like crap because all of that trust and friendship that we had build wasn't there anymore, and he wouldn't allow me to talk him out of his pensive state. After those 4 days, he agreed to talk to me, and told me he just didn't want to be in a relationship and that he didn't love me anymore. I was in tears, but he just stood there and watched. He isn't the type of person to just watch me in pain, but he starred at me. Before he left, he said he wanted to remain friends, and that he'd try to keep some stuff we normally did together the same. But nothings the same anymore. He feels awkward about everything and i feel like i've lost everything we've ever had together and its literally all i ever think about. I feel like he's lost, but he avoids the subject and he just says we're never getting back together. He always gives me different reasons for breaking up with me, and i just dont understand. Maybe i'm just in denial but i feel like theres a piece of him that still loves me and i just wished he'd give me another chance, we were happy. I truly love him more than anyone and i refuse to give up.
Tags: Cameron Cuny
Let's see. It's December... 6months ago.
I was dating this doucher, and I met someone online.He was, perfect? No, perfect is an under-state-ment. Anywys, we fell in love. We both did, instantly.
God, I'm getting flash backs; we celebrated Fourth of July together. July 3rd we met and fell inlove, and became the greatest relationship ever. Hours and Hours on the phone, everynight. Webcams, phones, Im's. But, everyone was right.. Long distance doesn't work.
Anyways... We were amazing, but we only lasted a short time. I remember the breakup so vividly. I was high off of life, hanging out with my best friend, walking home, and as I passed the alleyway across the way from my alley, I got a phone call from my baby. I remember him talking to his buddy breifly, and then getting serious. He just explained to me that it wasn't working. He then asked, if I was alright, and with tears in my eyes, I replied yes. He told me if I needed to cry I could.
Oh I needed to cry alright. But I told him I didn't want him to have to hear it for, I didn't want him to feel bad. I told him I had to go...
My friend Devin was concerned.
I turned around, facing away from her, and cried, silent at first.
I tried to walk, i was so shaken, I couldn't walk, so I stumbled and fell. I sat against the wall, and Devin rushed over. I just started to scream. I couldn't breath, and I was screaming. Devin helped me up while I was still bawling, and she hugged me. I was so crushed. It felt as if he took a kife, rammed it into my heart, and then twisted the blade. After about an hour, I regained enough of my composure to get home..
As sooon as I was in my room, I began to cry again. I turned up my music and cried. After like... roughly 3 hours, Devin went home. I never stopped crying.
I did something I have never done before too.
I became numb. I was in such denial. It was so not over.
I couldn't even feel my heartbeat anymore, and pathetically, I cut myslef. I didn't want to die, I was making sure I was still alive.
He called me. I swear, I just sat there, with the phone muted, crying, screaming, not breathing. he was apologizing. Which broke my heart even more, causing me more pain.
This was the first guy, the first person I have ever felt love for, and he does this too mee? I would tell everyone exactly why he broke up with me, stupid reson, but I don't want to be mean. Why would anyone do this to me? My first real true heart break.. and it still haunts me. 6 MONTHS LATER! Why?
I have cried so many times, just at random, and if any of my friends even say his name, itnsta-cry. Little things remind me of him. Especially the song, It's Not Over- Second HandSerenade. I have listened to it atleast 100 times in the last couple hours. It's 3:46 in the morning.. I have officially been crying for 3 hours. Yay. what an accomplishment. Are you happy Cameron? Knowing that the fucking thought of you makes me cry. And when i do cry, I can't breath. I put myself through hell, for you. And what's even worse... I still love you.
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